I'm not sure if it's coincidence that these 2 follow each other within the calendar year, However I think it's crazy, either way. Either way something in me feels the need to speak up and talk of BOTH of these. I have experienced both. I have gone through the struggle of loss, and then the struggle of adoption and the JOY of adoption. The PURE JOY in which our family was built. Now, I would hate to say that the "reason" we adopted is because we had no other choice. And I WON'T say that, because in reality that was not the issue. I could have chosen to continue to fight with the higher power, and continue to put my body through pure H*!!....because that's what it was. It was a learning experience, it was an emotional time, and looking back the way it made me act and feel is NOT something that i was ready to sign up for again. Now, I am not saying that I think that everyone should skip over the whole IVF process and jump into adoption, because hey-we gave it a shot. No pun intended......
We suffered 3 ectopic(tubal) pregnancies -and one of which that left me passed out in an emergency room of the hospital bathroom, and my husband walked into me being unresponsive to the dr's for a moment, next followed by emergency surgery that left me with only one tube. At that point, i was told to move onto IVF as that would by-pass the tube, we were excellent candidates for that. We did. We moved on to IVF. I'm going to make it sound like a "simple" process as I am going through the timeline, however there was nothing simple about this. However, anything worth having does not come easy-right? We were going to do what we could to get that first baby! We started the medications, during that time I became over-stimulated and spent most of the time feeling (and looking) like I was already 8 months pregnant, the medications made me an emotional wreck, I was crazy, and I was exhausted with it all. It was an exciting time, I was poking myself daily with medications, it was all in all just exhausting time. When it came time to do that egg retrieval, the Dr was amazed at how many eggs I produced, I remember feeling that procedure-it hurt. I couldn't speak, but i remember tears rolling down my cheek, and it hurt. Ryan felt pretty helpless, but hey this is what we had to do right? WE were onto the next step. Skip ahead, come to find out we had something along the lines of 22 pretty good looking embryos .....22!?!?! Ok, well let's start off with transferring 2 at first. After all, at that point the chance of both of them making it, were pretty good, because they looked pretty good, however it wasn't guaranteed, nothing is. SKIP ahead to after the transfer, more dr appointments , more ultra sounds-HOWEVER, we were finally pregnant with a itty bitty baby in the RIGHT SPOT! Right where it needed to be, more dr appts to follow up with blood-work, more poking and prodding, and the 6 week u/s at the IVF center before "graduating" to my normal OB....all looked good and our Dr. told me my % of a miscarriage at this point was very low. CONGRATULATIONS, you get to move onto your regular Dr.
I had an u/s at 9 weeks 2 days at my regular OB, all looked good-I was worrying for nothing, and I could finally ENJOY a normal pregnancy. I went in for my 12 week "normal" regular routine appt and they checked the h/b but it was hard to detect, but that can be common, so lets get me in for an u/s and check things out.....I headed into the room with the u/s tech, she performed the u/s and nothing-she said nothing, she stared at the screen, pretty cold and it didn't take me long to figure out: no heartbeat......I had miscarried, guess what? It showed that growth stopped at 9 weeks 3 days. 1 single day after my previous ultrasound. I have no words for this moment. The anger, I felt cheated......I KNEW at this moment ADOPTION was meant for us. That's why I will never say that adoption was a second choice for us. Growing up i talked of adoption and how "cool" i thought it would be. When I started dating Ryan, I talked often of adoption so it was definitely on our radar....we just had to come to an agreement on it, and come to the right "timing".....well, what better time than now?! 2 hrs after I got home from this appt i had a living room full of family and friends laying with me, talking to me, with their listening ears. It's almost as if it went from the most somber moment, to something that actually gave us HOPE. Some questioned this, were we rushing it? Did we give this 4th loss enough time to sink in? We were actually turned away from one agency, bc they thought I needed a counseling session first. I will not speak on my feelings of that at this point either.....I am moving onto the the next stage of our life, if that agency wasn't going to help us we'd find one that would! And we also knew that we had to do what we felt was right for US, not anyone else. Praise the Lord the big man upstairs agreed!
So, fast forward to where we are today....we have a BEAUTIFUL family formed through adoption. And I don't always love to say that we are an "adoptive family" because, in a way we want to just be a "normal" family, but I guess that's just it-to us we are a very.normal.family-I cannot imagine it any other way, nor do we want it any other way....RB and Ez are the BEST things that have ever happened to us, and for many people. We have been told more than once how they have changed people, how we have inspired people, how they have inspired people-well that is great and all, but that's just icing on the cake in my world. They are MY world. They are such blessings. And we thank God for them every.single.day!
But that's not where my story ends...what happened to those 19 frozen embryos that we had at our IVF clinic? We gave them up for adoption. When you're "done" there, they ask what you would like to do with them. How could we NOT choose adoption. (PLUS, the other options were not a choice for us) and now,I kinda' feel like we've come FULL CIRCLE. So anyway you slice it-I LOVE ADOPTION. However you get there, However you choose, I LOVE ADOPTION and I'll shout it from the rooftop, our life is SO much different because of it. For that we are THANKFUL!
{And God Bless our babies that have gone before us, who are waiting, and one day we will meet again}
{BLESSINGS}
Meggs
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